Written by: Ashe Puncher (he/him), trans BDSM safety advocate.
Edited by: Miles Llewellyn (they/them).
Sex was never really talked about within my family. I got the bare minimum; penis goes in vagina, and then boom! The miracle of pregnancy. I knew there must’ve been more to it, but I didn’t dare ask questions. That would be weird.
Then my teenage years hit, and my entire worldview flipped on its head. Never before had I been in an environment where (seemingly) everyone around me was not only having sex, but also talking about it so casually. I had some catching up to do. I was never really fond of ‘conventional’ porn, I always found it boring. Then again, I’m not quite your run-of-the-mill guy either.
During my younger years, I never really felt quite right within my body. By age 12, I had discovered what the word transgender meant, and boy, did it speak to me. By 14, I had come out to most of my family, to fairly mixed reactions. However, they gradually grew to accept the change. Being assigned female at birth resulted in quite a few complications; I was supposed to be the ‘woman’ in the relationship, the submissive one, all give and no take. That’s what I was taught at least.
Vanilla porn was always boring to me. I never really found myself aroused by it. I wasn’t picky with the porn I watched either; gay, straight, if it was vanilla – it was all the same to me. Then one day I found something. I wasn’t looking for porn, I’d actually stumbled upon it while looking for nude art references. I still remember it vividly; a man, suspended from the ceiling by what I could only describe as a cat’s cradle of bright red ropes. It wasn’t inherently sexual – his genitals weren’t out on display – however, the inherent eroticism of his predicament was what sparked the beginning of a beautiful, kinky awakening.
The inherent eroticism of his predicament was what sparked the beginning of a beautiful, kinky awakening.
My dysphoria made it hard for me to be comfortable with myself; I wanted nothing to do with anything below my shoulders. I hated myself for the way my body was, so much so that I identified as asexual (not that there is anything wrong with that, it just isn’t who I am!) for many years. I was so disgusted with myself that I was ashamed to be intimate with myself, let alone with anyone else. I never masturbated because I couldn’t cope with the idea of touching myself in a place I hated so much. However, that changed one day. I hadn’t exactly planned on touching myself, it just happened. Nothing could have prepared me for it. I had no idea that masturbation could feel so good because I’d never tried it; I couldn’t fathom that something I’d hated so much could eventually become something I’d enjoy almost daily.
After that day, I began to masturbate more frequently. I was unknowingly developing a healthy relationship with a part of myself that I’d previously loathed. Today, I have little to no bottom dysphoria, and I’m quite happy with myself. I don’t think I could’ve ever reached this point without the presence of personal pleasure in my life. And that says a lot coming from someone who was previously terrified of sex.
I’d consider kink to be a large part of my identity, both sexually and as a person. I joined the kink community a little over a year ago, mostly to take part in BDSM. I’ve always been interested in bondage specifically, even before I could identify it as a kink. I have it to thank for my sexual awakening, shibari in particular. While it is certainly a sexual thing for me, I also see it as an art form, but instead of acrylics and paper, the body is the canvas and the ropes are the medium. Shibari helped me to see my body not as something to loathe, but rather, a canvas waiting to be painted.
I’ve only been tied up by others a few times, but every time I am, I feel such an overwhelming sense of euphoria. It truly helps me to feel like my body is something beautiful – to be embraced, not hated.
The presence of consent is also very important to me. My relationship with sex was never all that healthy before I began to explore the ranges of my own body, and I’d never been properly educated about consent in the first place. I can’t control how my body looks or how I feel about it, but I can control what happens to it, and who I let in to explore its depths. I decide who gets to see me in such a state of vulnerability, and that empowers me.
Whether it be through positive affirmations or sex, we all deserve to feel loved by ourselves in the bodies we possess.
Sex as a whole empowers me. It’s something I’d once feared, once loathed, and now embrace as part of my identity. If I could take one thing away from this to scream out to the world, it would be to embrace your body through any means.
Sex is weird, fun, and powerful, and I hope that one day everyone (who wants to) can experience it in such a positive light. Ask those weird questions you have about sex because you never know; they could lead to something truly amazing.
